But don't let this picture fool you. It sounds pretty peaceful and perfect I know, but that has not been the case for my life this summer. Honestly, from day one my summer has been absolutely nothing of what I expected it to be. It was completely turned upside down, crushed. For the most part I was coming into this summer with a pretty open mind ready for a God encounter and some mountain adventures... but apparently my mind didn't have as much breeze room as I thought it did.
From day one God was crushing me. I even remember crying at work, (although it was hard to tell if it was crying or sweat because of the constant stem in my face from the dish cleaning machine) But yes crying at work and coming to the first LT service an absolute mess ready to leave and wondering what I've gotten myself into this summer. Coming late to LT was a pretty hard adjustment and first hurdle, but then my job got changed twice and ultimately I was put on the PM shift of foodservice which was anything but what I was thinking my life would look like. I realized I wouldn't be having the same time off as 95% of the LTers who worked during the day, and I immediately felt this sense of grief. This was supposed to be one of the greatest summers of my life, hanging with God, having an awesome community and taking in God's beauty. How was that possible with my life looking like this? But God had other plans. Not Margaret's plans.
Being half way through now, I'm learning that this trial in my job and time has been for my good. I'm comfortable with people and with my schedule the way it is, that just wasn't possible. I was going to have a lot of alone time. Silence and solitude. I'm even still really trying to see it positively for my good, even though I still need to constantly remind myself to see things from the perspective of that truth. I asked for a summer with God and I'm getting one. I think I just wasn't expecting it to be as forceful, but hey I guess whatever it takes, right? So my summer now consists of me sitting at the same table in the admin every morning with my coffee, my bible and God. (Except for today because someone didn't know they were sitting at my table and I'm writing this blog post.) I know it sounds pretty nice, and it is. But I think it's important to keep in mind all the things I feel like I'm missing out on and grieving. I don't get to go to Boulder to evangelize on Friday's which was something I wanted to learn and grow in this summer, I don't get to participate in night activities like the Volleyball tournament and such and honestly I spend a lot time alone and isolated in midst of this awesome community due to my schedule. It's been a lonely summer. I've gotten torn up and dug up by God resulting in a lot of crying, uncomfortableness and just feeling helpless. He is has been challenging me and convicting me almost constantly, so it's cool to know I'm growing, but that doesn't make the process easier or less painful. He has been super revealing to me and making me really question where I find my worth, value and lies that I believe about myself on the most deep level I've ever experienced. He has been bringing to the surface a lot of current and past hurt that I haven't really dealt with but more stuffed down. It's been a lot. It's been draining. It's been really difficult. And most days I'm left with feeling like 'wow, I never really realized that that's how I really looked at things' or even just being like 'yeah that was a really hurtful experience, and it's impacted me more that I realize' and 'it's okay to feel that hurt' etc. The super frustrating part is I feel like all these things are brought up and I'm giving them to God, but I feel so helpless is the process waiting for Him to take them. I'm just so ready for Him to take them. I guess it's a lesson in patience.
So yeah we're half way through and so much of me is ready to be back in Columbia living 'real and normal life'. I'm ready for fall. But God isn't finished yet. A lot of pieces need to be put together, because I don't think I can go back to Columbia with what feels like all my insides hanging out. And who knows maybe God has more digging to do, I really hope not because I'm not sure how much more I can take. But last night at service Jeff (the speaker that night) said the Honeymoon phase of LT is over and it's about to get real and tough. I don't know about you guys, but if this is what a honeymoon is like, I'm never getting married. Honeymoon isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of the last 5 weeks. Far from it. So who knows what else God has in-store. I'm definitely clinging to the truth that this is all for my good. That's all I really can do. And just to seek God through it all.
There's so much more that I could go on and on about, but that's a little of what God is doing in my life right now. Miss you guys!!
Margaret
This is hilarious: "I don't know about you guys, but if this is what a honeymoon is like, I'm never getting married."
ReplyDeleteI love you Margie and I think you are doing an amazing job of listening to the Lord and depending on him. I am very proud of you!